When Change Feels Overwhelming

An abundance of things to share can be more restrictive to my ability to write than an actual lack of things to write about. I had one of the most difficult, heart-molding, trying, wonderful, and fullest years of my life in 2013 and yet, I wrote a grand total of twelve posts last year. Twelve. Most of them devoid of any real substance.

It was not for lack of content, I can tell you that. My year was insane - I moved states, faced horrible home-sickness, was placed out of my comfort zone, and was forced to make friends with strangers (gasp!) - some of whom I'd only met through a friend-of-a-friend on the internet (which for my introverted personality was super uncomfortable at first). Then around August, there was this shift and I found myself loving my new city and my new friends, and actually feeling settled in my new life. And THEN. A career refocus for my husband, a sooner-than-expected pregnancy, and a move back from whence we had come (barely a year after moving away). My life and emotions in 2013 were topsy-turvy and back again. Lots of trials and lessons learned and beauty to write about. Content, content, content.

And yet. Writer's paralysis clung to me because I had such an overwhelming amount of content. Really painful, messy, don't-really-want-to-process-it-in-public kind of content. Usually writing is therapeutic for me and helps me work through my thoughts and emotions. Flannery O'Conner said, "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say." That's me.

But these things? They were things I felt so deeply, but I didn't understand. Bitter, ugly things, and conflicting, confusing things. Emotions and doubts that were unflattering to me and potentially hurtful to those I loved if expressed publicly. So my ramblings were kept in the safe privacy of my journal and my prayers. Which is probably right where they were meant to be kept. At least for now. At least until the bigger picture of who-knows-what God has been doing with my life these past couple of years becomes clearer.

I've seen healthy growth and little glimpses of what these years of change have brought about in my life - some good, some necessary, and some I'd like not to repeat. I don't understand (or like) a lot of it, but I do see purpose in much of the pain and confusion. And for now, that's just enough to keep me holding on and moving forward into whatever it is God has for us in our new (again) city and our life as a family of (soon-to-be) five.

Some good things that have come out of the difficult:

• There were many times I had no one to share my heart with except Devin. While we have always been close, we were brought closer as he helped me struggle through the mess of emotions I normally would have poured out to my closest girlfriends. But with their absence in my daily life, I had no choice but to turn to my husband for comfort, sympathy, and advice. It was a hard-at-times, but good thing.

• There were times however that the things in my heart were too difficult to share with even Devin, and I was instead driven to share my thoughts and emotions with God. Again - a relationship strengthen because of the relational void I was experiencing in other areas of my life. 

• With few family members (and no friends) in town, we had the time and motivation to invest in relationships within our church and our community early-on. This was a part of our lives we didn't realize was lacking during our years in Arizona, but now that we've experienced it, we see the importance of leaving room for community relationships amidst the time we spend with our extended families. 

• I learned to step out of my comfort zone, show up to a room full of strangers, and make friends. And even though making an effort to start those friendships was difficult for me, it's those sweet friends who I shed many tears over leaving. 

• And most of all, I've learned (or am at least forcing myself to acknowledge - which, believe it or not, is a big step) that change is a part of life. And as much as I hate it sometimes, fighting it will only make it more difficult. I ran across a quote shortly before we moved back to Arizona, and it was a turning point for me as I worked towards accepting some of the changes coursing through our lives right now:

"Faced with inevitable change, the choice was mine. I could fight until my spirit was weary, or I could release all resistance and create something new in my changed world." - Dean Jackson

So that's what I'm trying to do. Because my soul has become weary from fighting and it's time to try and make something beautiful in my changed world.

Why I am (and am NOT) the Proverbs 31 Wife

I've been overwhelmed by the "Proverbs 31 Wife" for as long as I've been aware of her. Nearly an entire chapter of Scripture exalts her accomplishments as wife, mother, seamstress, cook, community-outreach coordinator, counselor, home manager, and business entrepreneur. Described as nobel, excellent, and worth more than rubies, she's freakin' wonder woman.

Being a part of the Christian church has given me plenty of opportunities to learn exactly how to be a "P31 Woman" (there are countless Bible studies, websites, programs, clubs, books, blogs, seminars, and t-shirts all dedicated to this goal). And all my exposure to Mrs. Excellent has given me plenty of opportunities to confirm that I just don't measure up. (Never mind that she is Jewish royalty with abundant wealth and a houseful of servants - two things that I am, alas, without.)

I love how Rachel Held Evans puts it in her book, A Year of Biblical Womanhood (which I shared my mixed feelings for here). After a month of trying to live out the Proverbs 31 ideal, Evans came to this painful admission (one I know I have faced as well):

"I couldn't shake the feeling that if these were indeed the accomplishments of a competent, capable, virtuous, valiant, and worthy wife, then I must be none of these things." 

Fortunately, Evans doesn't allow this depressing conclusion to be her final one (which is what I have tended towards in the past). Instead, she seeks out insight for this passage from a Jewish woman. As Evans puts it, "Seeing as how Jews have several thousand years on us when it comes to interpreting Scripture, Christians might consider listening to them more often."

And Evans doesn't just interview any Jewish woman. No, no. She interviews an Orthodox Jew named Ahava, who lives in Israel and is the wife of a rabbi. Yeah - authentic source here, people. Ahava gives a perspective on this passage of Scripture that I found to be not only fascinating, but a huge relief. Here's what she had to say when Evans asked her the question, "[Do] Jewish women struggle as much as Christian women to live up to the Proverbs 31 ideal?"

"Here's the thing. Christians seem to think that because the Bible is inspired, all of it should be taken literally. Jews don't do this. Even though we take the Torah literally (all 613 commandments!), the rest is seen differently, as a way of understanding our Creator, rather that direct commands. Take Proverbs 31, for example. I get called an eshet chayil (a valorous woman) all the time. Make your own challah instead of buying? Eshet chayil! Work to earn some extra money for the family? Eshet chayil! Make balloon animals for the kids a Shul? Eshet chayil! Every week at the Shabbat table, my husband sings the Proverbs 31 poem to me. It's special because I know that no matter what I do or don't do, he praises me for blessing the family with my energy and creativity." - Ahava, from A Year of Biblical Womanhood

I know that no matter what I do or don't do, he praises me for blessing the family with my energy and creativity. I love this. This something I can accomplish. And not just accomplish, but be encouraged to apply in a way that isn't overwhelming and debilitating.

While I loved this new-to-me interpretation of Proverbs 31, I also was hesitant to fully embrace it. I felt Evans, at times, spun information to her advantage in her book, so I ran this insight by my friend Aria, who is Messianic (a believer in Jesus as the Messiah who also follows Jewish traditions). She confirmed that in Jewish culture this passage is not viewed as a checklist. Rather, it is a poetic way to honor the many different attributes that an excellent wife - a woman of valor - may have.

Any other Christian ladies out there releasing a huge sign of relief right about now?

Not only is the poem used by husbands in Jewish culture to praise their wives, it is also used by Jewish women to encourage and praise other women. Which I think is amazing and something that is often lacking in our communities. Women tend to try to one-up each other, presenting a facade of perfection all the while judging other women (either to elevate themselves or to compare themselves in a self-depircating way). But the discovery that Proverbs 31's eshet chayil - woman of valor - is something woman can encourage each other with was beautiful to me.

"As I saw how powerful and affirming this ancient blessing could be, I decided it was time for Christian women to take back Proverbs 31. Somewhere along the way, we surrendered it to the same people who invented airbrushing and Auto-Tune and Rachel Ray. We abandoned the meaning of the poem by focusing on the specifics, and it became just another impossible standard by which to measure our failures. We turned an anthem into an assignment, and poem into a job description." - A Year of Biblical Womanhood (emphasis mine).

Despite the overwhelming "to do list" that shadowed my previous understanding of this passage of Scripture, and my relief that it doesn't have be viewed that way, there are things which, as a wife, mother, and believer, I still hold tightly to as ideals that should be emulated. The bit about "her husband is praised at the city gates" and "she brings [her husband] good and not harm, all the days of her life" and "her children arise and call her blessed" and "a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (verses 23, 12, 28, and 30).

These attributes - I feel - are not just poetic, but incredibly important to a healthy and happy family and faith. I want to bless my husband with good throughout our marriage. I want my husband to be respected by others because of the way I treat him. I find hope in the idea that one day my kids may call me blessed (and that doesn't happen through passive parenting). And I want to grow in my love for and trust in the Lord. These are excellent things and ones I hope to cultivate in my marriage, parenting, and faith.

As far as the task-oriented parts on "the list"? I'll say this: Proverbs 31 is full of awesome examples of "acts of valor" that can be inspiring. It's got really, really good stuff in it. But to find all of these qualities in one women? Well, as King Lemuel's mother told him from the beginning of the poem, "who can find [her]?"

Let us be encouraged by the knowledge that while we may never be the Proverbs 31 Woman, little pieces of her can shine though all of us as we serve our families, our God, and our communities - in many different ways - with excellence and valor.

Will the Ideal, Biblical Woman Please Stand Up?

I decided to read Rachel Held Evans' book, A Year of Biblical Womanhood, mainly because of the controversy. My "liberal" friends (read: female pastors who, though I don't always agree with, I admire greatly) had nothing but abounding praise for the book. While some of my deeply respected "conservative" friends (and many main-stream conservative leaders) thought the book was heretical and dangerous. And since I tend to fall somewhere in-between these two groups, and I like a good controversy now-and-then, I figured I'd pick myself up a copy.

Another reason I wanted to read this book is because while I am currently living the Westernize version of "biblical womanhood" (full time stay-at-home mom and wife), I have long struggled with the prominent, conservative viewpoint that the greatest way in which a woman brings glory to God is by being a good wife and mother who submits to her husband completely.

My struggle with this teaching doesn't exist because I think being a good wife and mother isn't a godly calling, or because I think wives shouldn't submit to their husbands - I think both are things that bring great glory to God. But when this type of role is elevated as the best, holiest, ideal position for a woman, it leaves out a huge population of faithful, God-loving women: The widowed or abandoned wife, the single mom, women who can't have children, women living in poverty who have no choice but to work to support their families, and single women like Katie Davis who moved to Uganda and adopted a whole houseful of orphans (thirteen to be more precise). And let's not forget that rather famous saint, Mother Teresa. Heard of her? Yeah. Unmarried and no kids.

Are these women unable to fully please God simply because they aren't married or don't have children? Are they "less-than" the ideal, biblical woman?

That just doesn't seem right. God uses all kinds of people in different ways, and a woman's ability to please God isn't on hold until she gets herself a husband and some kids. If the so-called, "biblical role of women" can't be applied universally to all women of faith, why is it being taught as such a rigid truth in so many Christian churches?

I felt Evans' book was, for the most part, an honest exploration of what the Bible says about women and their roles in the family and in faith. The book contained a few unflattering quotes from John Piper and Glen Beck that would probably have my conservative friends shaking their fists, and there were times that Evans approached these (and other) conservative leaders with a little too much snark. There were things about the book that I appreciated and learned from, questions I've always wrestled with that she addressed, and some things I took offense to. But overall, Evans' journey of trying to apply all of the Bible's instructions for women was a well-researched, respectful search for truth.

Reading about Evans' year-long exploration was at times humorous and at other times painful as I was confronted with some of my own judgmental attitudes towards woman who don't fit the traditional mold for a "biblical woman." And I learned that the Bible is full of stories of women who don't fit the mold either, yet are called righteous and faithful.

"The Bible does not present us with a single model for womanhood, and the notion that it contains a sort of one-size-fits-all formula for how to be a woman is a myth.

"Among the women praised in Scripture are warriors, widows, slaves, sister-wives, apostles, teachers, concubines, queens, foreigners, prostitutes, prophets, mothers, and martyrs. What makes these women's stories leap from the page is not the fact that they all conform to some kind of universal ideal, but that, regardless of the culture or context in which they found themselves, they lived their lives with valor. They lived their lives with faith. As much as we long for the simplicity of a single definition of "biblical womanhood," there is no one right way to be a woman, not mold into which we must each cram ourselves - not if Deborah, Ruth, Rachel, Tamar, Vashti, Esther, Priscilla, Mary Magdalene, and Tabitha have anything to say about it." - Rachel Held Evans, A Year of Biblical Womanhood

The kind of marriage relationship I witnessed growing up was one of mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21), and yet I never doubted that my dad was the respected head of our household (Ephesians 5:23). My parents worked through decisions, disagreements, and life as a team. My dad had the option to give the final say on decisions, but he always took my mom's perceptive and opinion into account. He supported her dreams and she supported his. While my mom did chose to stay home with us kids (working part-time as a nurse) and my dad worked full-time, there was still a mutual love and respect between them. There was no "greater" or "lesser" partner in the marriage. They shared the decisions of life the same way they shared the burdens and joys - equally. And they now have nearly 37 years of marriage to show for it. (Love you Mom and Dad!)

I believe that the Bible's admonition for a husband to love his wife and a wife to respect her husband is a model that works beautifully when applied with the betterment of both spouses in mind - and one that can help strengthen marriages and personal faith even if only applied from one side (the wife who chooses to respect her husband and the husband who chooses to love his wife, even when he/she doesn't "deserve" it). And I believe that, if it is possible, having a mother at home with her young children is a very beneficial thing. But due to the fact that people, marriages, and families are made up of all kinds of different personalities and talents, who live in different cultures, financial situations, and realities, it is unlikely that there is only one biblical way for a woman and her family to bring glory to God.

This post is not an attack of the traditional family any more than it is a feminist battle cry for women to rebel and do whatever the heck they want. The Bible does have a lot to say on what a godly woman looks like, but let us not pick-and-choose which standards to universally apply and which to conveniently ignore in order to fit our ideals. Rather, let's acknowledge that there are a lot of different examples of faithful women in the Bible and how a woman of God brings Him glory can take many different forms.

Would love to hear your thoughts and perspectives in the comments section!

* * *

If all goes according to plan (but let's be real, when does that ever happen), I'll be writing more about this book soon. I'll be sharing something very enlightening that I learned about the Proverbs 31 woman...

Goal #44 - Dates with Devin (13 and 14 of 20)

More progress on my Project 101 in 1001 list. Read about my journey here. 


Goal #44: Go on 20 of the dates listed in the books Dates on a Dime and Coffee Dates for Couples  (Please Note: I have no recollection whatsoever of what we did for the 12th date, but I know we did something because I tallied it off of The List.) 


There's nothing that can shock you back into dating your spouse quite like preparing to have twins (okay - maybe preparing to have triplets would be more of a shock...). About a week ago Devin casually commented, "Do you realize that we only have three-to-four more weekends of it being just the two of us and then we are parents forever?"  

FOREVER. FORRR-EEEE-VEEERRR. (Sandlot anyone?) 


As those words were echoing through the space between us in the car (and then came back around to smack us in the face once more) - we realized we'd better get some more dating in before our world is shifted forever. (FOR-E-VER...) 


Date 13-of-20: 

From Dates on a Dime: "Using your best china, dine by candlelight at home. Remember to keep it simple: serve a meal from the grocer's freezer case."


This one ended up being kind of a dud. There were candles, there were nice dishes, there were easy (but yummy) leftovers and their were two people sitting at the table. But romantic? Not so much. A date? Hardly. Probably due to the fact that I didn't really present it as "a romantic date at home." My attempt to create a spontaneous, romantic dinner turned out to be fifteen minutes of the two of us silently eating food in a dark room. Oh well, better luck next time. 


Date 14-of-20: 

From Dates on a Dime: "Check out your employee benefits packages. They might include special rates on theme parks, hotels, etc." 


Now we were talking! Labor Day weekend Devin stole me away (but not too far away - we needed to stay close to the hospital just in case) for a two-night stay at a lovely hotel in Scottsdale for which his FedEx employee status afforded us a discount. It was fantastic.


We were able to relax all weekend - far, far away from to do lists, obligations, and our currently discombobulated apartment. We swam, watched movies, cranked the AC to 70 degrees without worrying about the electric bill, talked about the future, slept as long and as often as we wanted to (gotta cherish that privilege while we can), went out to a nice dinner, went on a couple of coffee dates (decaf for me of course), played nerdy computer games, and just had an all-around great time spending time just the two of us. It was wonderful. (I also made daily use of the giant jacuzzi tub and boy did it help my carrying-twins aches and pains!) 

The whole weekend was romantic and refreshing and wonderful and reminded me again how much I really, really like my husband. He's pretty alright. ;-) 


Funny Side Story: The looks we received while out-and-about were amusing. The size of my belly and the fact that I'm still mobile is quite shocking to some people apparently. We walked into an art gallery and while the curator greeted us kindly, he also asked (with a slight look of concern in his eyes) if we were trying to get labor started. I imagine he was just praying that my water didn't break in his pristine showroom. 


Another time, we were out to lunch at Paradise Bakery and the couple in the booth next to us said with an only somewhat joking tone, "Now, you can sit in this booth, just don't have the baby here!" Devin tried to ease their minds by telling them we were pregnant with twins and still had a few more weeks to go until our due date. It didn't seem to help as the man responded, "But twins come early!" I hope they were able to still enjoy their lunch with the Time Bomb sitting just inches from them. :-) 


To be fair, I can't really blame people. Check out this 35-weeks-pregnant-with-twins time bomb:

BOOM BABY!

We have our "Lucky" winner!

Congratulations to Danielle over at chibidani for winning a free copy of The Husband's Guide to Getting Lucky. Hmmm... maybe the congratulations should actually be going to Danielle's husband...

Here's what Danielle had to say about what first attracted her to her hubby:  

I actually knew of my husband in 1998 (grade 11!). I started hanging out  with him and a bunch of his friends at the start of grade 12, in 1999.  We just got along, and could talk about lots of things. At Halloween, we  went with 2 other friends to a haunted house, and we ended up having to  wait outside in the rain for around 20 minutes to get in. We cuddled up  close to stay warm, and that was when we both realized that there was  some mutual attraction going on. What I really loved about him then was  how we liked a lot of the same things, and could just talk forever. 11.5 years later, we're married with 2 kids and loving it. 

Thanks Danielle for sharing your story!

If you'd still like your own copy of this great ebook - they are on sale today only for $2.99 (though the normal price ain't bad either at $4.99). Check it out at www.husbandsgetlucky.com

Oh! One thing I failed to mention about the book is that all the proceeds are going towards getting Marla's whole family (Marla, her husband and her three little girls) over to Cambodia to love on some sweet orphan kids over Christmas break. It is going to be an awesome time of ministry and you can be a part of it by snagging a copy of The Husband's Guide to Getting Lucky! Telling orphaned kids about the love of Jesus and improving your marriage all with one simple purchase? Excellent.

* Winner was drawn through random.org

The Steam-E, Sex-E, E-Book for Husbands

My cousin Marla wrote a book for Christian wives a few years back that was all about how to enjoy great sex with your husband. It was published before I even met Devin and I'll be honest, when I was panning through it - out of curiosity and supportive cousiness - I was blushing. Deeply.

While Marla's books are God-honoring and spiritually challenging, the stories she tells and personal events she relates to her readers are raw, honest and candid (and funny also - which makes for a great combination.) The book, Is That All He Thinks About?, which originally brought a bit more color to my cheeks, turned out to be an excellent resource after I got hitched and I would highly recommend it.

This book, and it's intriguing title, started to get a lot of attention from the husbands of the wives who were reading it. (Can you imagine as a husband coming home and seeing that book sitting on your coffee table, or better yet - your wife's bedside table? Hello! That would get my attention as a man.) I know my non-reader hubby picked it up and read most of it before I even got the chance.

Not surprisingly, the idea of writing a husband's version of the book began to come up a lot and I am excited to announce that it is finally here (and in an easy to discretely read e-book format)! Introducing: The Husband's Guide to Getting Lucky (Six Simple Steps to Great Sex with Your Wife) 


First of all - with a title and cover art like that, a husband would have to be in a walking comma to not notice this e-book should it happen to appear on his Kindle, Nook, iPad or Email (say, as a brilliant Father's Day gift for just $4.99). 

Secondly - if you're a wife, you will very likely make your husband's day (year?) by initiating the purchase of this book. 

Thirdly - if you're a husband, you will very likely make your wife's day (year?) by initiating the purchase of this book. So really - it's a win/win situation for everyone involved. 

Speaking of winning - YOU can win a free copy of the e-book for your very own self (or the self of your spouse). Details at the bottom of this post.

I interviewed Marla about her book, and here's what she had to share:

J: As a woman, why did you feel compelled to write a book about sex for a male audience?  

M: I didn't feel compelled. Not one little bit. At least not at first. See, in my experience, guys aren't big readers. I can count on three fingers (maybe two) the number of books Gabe has read since I've known him. Guys have e-mailed me every now and again since I wrote a book on sex for women and asked, "When's it our turn?" I always laughed it off. Until one week a few months ago when I got three e-mails from three guys in three days all asking the same thing. I decided to take it as a sign and give it a whirl. And it has been quite a whirl.

J: The wife’s version of this book, Is That All He Thinks About?, is pretty frank and gives a very transparent look into your own marriage and sex life: Will the husband’s e-book have the same kind of honesty? 

M: Yes and no. The husbands' book will definitely be frank and transparent, but as a girl (me) talking to a guy (the reader), I don't feel right discussing certain body parts and certain private acts in great detail. There's enough to keep it interesting though. I'll say that much. I'm not one to beat around the bush. And while it's not a bare-all memoir, I do share some of my struggles in the bedroom pretty candidly.

J: How does your hubby, Gabe feel about the level of personal openness you maintain in your marriage books?

M: For whatever reason, Gabe is completely okay with me sharing about our sex life (in book form and when I speak). I think he trusts me to honor him and to share details in a way that's not sensational but that benefits and blesses other marriages. Sex isn't dirty or shameful. It's a gift from God. And so is my husband. 

M: Thanks so much for the interview, Jen. I love your blog, I love your heart for others, and I love YOU. Blessings to you and your THREE boys! 

Thank you Marla! I'm so excited for this book and to see how God uses it to touch the intimate lives of the couples who read it.

How to win a copy: Simply leave a comment here on the blog and tell me what first attracted you to your spouse. (Make sure I have a blog link or email address to contact you with). Winner will be chosen at random on Monday, June 20th. 

How to buy a copy: Have I got you so tantalized that you just can't wait? Good news - for just $4.99, you can start reading the e-book in just minutes from now on you e-reader or computer. Just pop over to the book's website: www.husbandsgetlucky.com to order.

Goal #63: COMPLETE - Serving with My Man

More progress on my Project 101 in 1001 list. Read about my journey here.

Goal #63: Go on a mission trip with Devin - COMPLETE. 

(Devin and me, in Uganda, Africa in front of the Amazima chapel)

This goal was a big one - almost the biggest on the list (trumped only by Goal #93 - Visit Compassion sponsor girls in Uganda). I knew the goal was a huge undertaking. But I also knew that it was something I really, really wanted to do with my husband before we started a family. Little did I know that I would actually be pregnant with twins while accomplishing this goal. Quite the epic babymoon if I do say so myself.

Going on this trip at all started with a lot of faith-stretching. We knew we didn't want to "solicit" our friends and family for support, but we also knew we couldn't cover the costs without some help and some hard, extra-money-making work on our end. We chose to write an update letter to select friends and family members (only the ones we were in regular contact with) letting them know of our plans to travel to Uganda to serve the orphan ministries there. We mentioned very little about financial support and had our "if you'd like to help us financially" information as a P.S. in small italics at the bottom of the page. Then we prayed. A lot. We prayed that God would encourage people to support our trip not because we begged and pleaded and guilt-tripped them, but because they believed in what He would do through us. Because they wanted to give and give cheerfully.

We were blown away by the generosity that was poured out on us by such a small amount of people. Our trip costs were completely covered a few days before the deadline and the money still kept coming in. (Here's what we did with the overage.)

Another area that took a lot of faith was traveling all the way to Uganda once we found out I was pregnant. Especially since I would still be in my vulnerable first trimester. Especially because I couldn't get vaccinated. Especially because I was carrying twins. (My doctors thought I was crazy by the way and were non-too-supportive of my leaving the country in my condition, let along going to :gasp:: AFRICA of all places.) But as I mentioned in my previous post - after a few days of individual prayer, we both felt confident of God's sovereignty in the situation - whatever the outcome.

Sharing Uganda (which has held a piece of my heart since my trip there in 2006) with Devin was a very special experience for me. At the same time, this trip was very different from my first visit. Because of this, we were able to experience many new things together for the first time (for example: eating sugar cane which was freshly cut with a machete right in front of us). Serving along-side the man I love, in a country I love, among a people I love was something I will never forget.

(Devin loving on a whole pile of orphans - be still my heart!)

My only regret is this: We had an incredible team. A team full of amazing people who I probably didn't get to know as well as I could have had I not relied on/spent so much time with Devin. I wouldn't have changed the fact that Devin was there, I just wish I would have reached out of the "Hanson-comfort-zone" a little more. 

This trip was amazing, made even more so by the blessing of having my husband serve along side me. Shoot - the blessing of having a husband with such a huge heart for those in need is a huge, amazing blessing all by itself! As I watched him play with, hug, minister to, and pour into the lives of so many orphans, I was reminded yet again of how truly fortunate I am to have this man that God has made my husband.

Goal #44: Dates with Devin (12 of 20)

More progress on my Project 101 in 1001 list. Read about my journey here. 

Goal #44: Go on 20 of the dates listed in the books Dates on a Dime and Coffee Dates for Couples 

For date night a couple weeks ago, Devin and I spent an evening at SoZo Coffee, our new favorite coffee shop in Chandler. While enjoying some excellent live music and delicious coffee drinks, we answered some of the coffee-themed questions from the book Coffee Dates for Couples. Some of the questions would make you blush, so I won't repeat them here, but we sure had fun whispering our answers back and forth. ;-)

The owner of the shop, Scott (above), is an awesome, relationship-oriented guy who loves to sit and chat with his costumers. We always love talking with Scott when we come in. 

The coolest thing about SoZo (besides the great coffee, amazing biscotti, great live-music nights and awesome atmosphere) is that they will give all their profits to charity (once they start turning a profit - they just opened). "Coffee with a Cause" they call it. Another reason we love SoZo.

(Camera phone quality, sorry)

The best part about the night was when Devin was asked to accompany the guest musician on the djembe drum. Then Scott joined in on a second guitar for an impromptu jam-session. They played GREAT together - it was so much fun to watch. 

I love dates like this - dates that are just plain awesome for reasons you couldn't have planned.   

(If you live near Chandler, SoZo Coffee has live music every Friday in February from 7pm-10pm. Check them out - if its Friday, Devin and I will probably be there to say "hi")

Goal #45 Complete: Love & Respect

Goal #45 COMPLETE -  Watch the marriage series Love and Respect with Devin or with a small group 

Devin and I had the opportunity to watch this series with our young married's class at church and it was unbelievably good! We are actually borrowing the DVDs to watched it again at home because there was just so much good information to absorb and apply, I felt I needed another go at it. (Yes, I - I needed a little extra help with the concept of respect, it's true.)

The series looks at the principle that a woman's deepest need is unconditional love and man's deepest need is unconditional respect. And wouldn't you know it - that's just want the Bible pointed out 2000+ years ago in the book of Ephesians, chapter 5: "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord" (verse 22) and "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (verse 25). God knew that we wouldn't "get it"and that we needed a command in scripture to help us fulfill the deepest needs of our spouse. 

This love and respect teaching (especially the respect part) is so against current culture, but Dr. Eggerich shows how science, scripture and our human nature back up this principle again and again. This series is truly amazing and I wish every couple could (would) go through it - I am convinced that our marriages would be stronger and the divorce rate would go down if people applied this teaching. Now that I've learned a little about the things that trigger problems in marriages, and the simple principles for fixing/avoiding them, I am heartbroken when I witness those harmful traits in marriages.

I say "simple principles" because it is still a difficult teaching. The principles in Love and Respect take patience, selflessness, awareness, hard work and a whole lot of laying your life down for another. There are still so many parts that I make me say, "Huh? How??" 

Honestly, I'm a chick and I don't get the unconditional respect thing - I absolutely understand why it's so important to a man, I just don't get how to do it very well. As Dr. Eggerich says, "We live in a love-dominated, post-feminism culture. Unconditional respect is a foreign concept to most of us." (paraphrase)

But I'm learning, little by little. In the process I'm realizing that there are times when I can't do this on my own - times when I can not respect my husband in the way he longs to be respected - without depending on God for help. God made Devin with the desire for respect, He made me with the desire for love, so it is only natural that sometimes I just won't get it. Fortunately, God "gets" us both and can help us as we learn to treat each other in a way that honors God and His design of men and women.

"Women need love. Men need respect. It's as simple and as complicated as that."  

- Dr. Emerson Eggerich

If you're unable to see the DVD seminar, these teaching can also be found in Dr. Eggerich's book by the same title.

Goal #44- Dates with Devin (9, 10, 11 of 20)

More progress on my Project 101 in 1001 list. Read about my journey here.

Goal #44: Go on 20 of the dates listed in the books Dates on a Dime and Coffee Dates for Couples 

Okay, so I haven't actually blogged about this goal in months, but I promise - I have still been going out on dates with my husband. Many on them cheap and fun and from the books mentioned above. Here's what we did for dates 9, 10 and 11:

Date 9 of 20: 

Inspired by an activity in Coffee Dates for Couples, we headed to Starbucks for a date with some coffee-themed games. Including using coffee terms to create a drink that describes your spouse. 

Devin picked the terms "hot, sweet, spicy, delicate, nutty, strong, creamy (aka - pale), unique and balanced" to describe me and said I if I was a coffee drink I'd be a "hot, cinnamon dulce, toffee nut, whole mike latte, with an extra shot of espresso and whipped cream." 

I picked the terms "hot, sweet, smooth, nutty, fresh, strong and unique" to describe Devin and said he would be a "hot, two pump sugar, toffee nut latte with an extra shot of espresso and chocolate whipped cream." Yeah. His drink for me sounded way better.

Date 10 of 20: 

From Dates on a Dime: "House-sit for friends or family while they are out of town. Make it a special getaway without leaving town." 

We house-sat for our Bible study friends Greg and Connie, earned some money for our Uganda trip and had a very relaxing time while doing so. 

Date 11 of 20:

From Dates on a Dime: "At Christmastime, pack your car with a thermos of hot cocoa and two travel mugs. Drive through local neighborhoods, sipping your cocoa and viewing the Christmas lights displays. Toast each other when you've found the most outrageous displays."

There is an amazing little culdesac just up the road from us that goes all out for light displays. Every single house on the sac (about ten maybe) is complete decked out with lights and displays and all around Christmas-cheer. My kind of place. 

There was even a house that had a "Walk Through Bethlehem" display built in their huge backyard - full sets and life-size cut outs narrated with Bible-verse plaques. Very cool.

The entrance to "Bethlehem"

Bikini Bottom made an appearance as well (Sponge Bob.) 

Another favorite: 

::SIGH:: I love Christmas time. And my husband. And cheap/free date nights.

Love is in the Hair

Goal #40: Grow hair out 

What is it about getting engaged and married that makes women want to grow their hair out long?

And what is it about actually becoming married that compels women to chop all their hair off? 

And how is it that men seem to be nearly unanimous in their preference for long haired mates? (My sister-in-law came up with a great answer to that one. "Why do guys like long hair so much? Because they don't have to take care of it!")

I've always maintained that, once a woman is married, she has less time to dedicate to fixing her hair, as her time is now spent serving her husband (yeah, that's it). So, it is for the husband's benefit that she chop off the luxuriously locks which she labored to maintain during the wooing and wedding time of her relationship with him. At least, that was the excuse I gave Devin when, a couple of months after our wedding, I went from this:

To this:

 

Yeah. He was a bit shocked to say the least. I asked him what he thought of my new do and he said something to the effect of, "Um... well... It's not my preference." Ouch. (In all fairness to him though, I might as well have asked the dreaded, "Does this make me look fat?" question.)

So now that you have some context, there was a very specific reason why I put the goal "grow hair out" on my list of 101 Goals. That reason was my husband. I decided that it was more important to me that I present myself in a way that my husband fines attractive rather than being stubborn about having my way in the area of clothes, make-up or hairstyle. I'm not trying to sound all anti-feminist (well, maybe a little), but I am starting to realize the great value that exists when a wife dresses in a way that pleases her husband. There are certainly exceptions (one of them being a husband who asks his wife to dress (in public) in a immodest fashion ... or in neon orange legging from the 80s and a purple fur coat... I would eliminate that one as well), but in general, dressing in a way that pleases our husbands should bring us joy and be something that we want to do as wives. For me, wearing my hair how Devin likes it was a fairly simple way for me to show him love by submitting to him and letting him know that I wanted to be attractive to him.

When I came to this epiphany (brought about mostly by Martha Peace's book The Excellent Wife), I decided to ask Devin which hairstyle and hair length he found most attractive on me. He told me, and I started growing out my hair to reach his "preferred" length again. Here is the result:

Turns out, the length and style he finds me most attractive in is actually the look that I feel the most attractive in. Go figure.

 

But now I have a question for you:  

1) What are your thoughts on a woman dressing to please her husband? 

2) At what point does a girl or woman begin "dressing for her man"? Is that an appropriate behavior to encourage in dating relationships (specifically young, high-school age) or should this attitude be reversed for marriage?

Can't wait to hear your thoughts. 

Goal #43 - COMPLETE

Goal #43: Have a weekly date night with Devin for at least six months

Can I just start our by saying that I completely adore my husband? He is not only handsome, creative and loving, he is fun to be around! We had such a blast on all of our weekly date nights and I just plain like him a whole bunch (and may even still have a bit of a crush on him). Some of my favorite dates that we shared in the last six months were this one, this one and this one - just to highlight a few.

For our final date (for this goal of course, many more to come), we headed to the place of our nuptials - Papago Park - for a sunset picnic. We partook of our packed sandwiches at the very spot where we said "I do" and where shared our first kiss almost exactly one year earlier. It was a perfect way to complete this goal. (Yep, you read that right. We didn't kiss until we were married. It. Was. Awesome.)

Our Ceremony and where we shared our picnic dinner during this date

Papago Park, Phoenix, Arizona

Our First Kiss - it was a good one, let me tell you!

Time for a Time Out

Last night, just as we were heading out the door for Bible study, my husband announced that he thought we should stay home because we needed a time out. Not the "you've been bad, go sit in the corner" time out, but the kind a coach calls during an intense game. This kind of time out is not just to refresh the players and give them a chance to breathe -  it is most importantly a moment for the players to refocus and figure out, with the coach, a strategy before returning the game. So that is what we did.

You see, we've both been feeling rather (understatement) overwhelmed lately in regards to what it looks like to really live a life focused on God and what it means to really follow Christ and how to really love others. We've been frustrated and burnt out and going in a million directions all at once. As a result, we have been much less effective than we could be.

So we took a time out and spent our evening talking and sharing our hearts and looking up Bible verses and writing down ideas and praying. We talked about our spiritual strengths and how they shape the way we can best serve God. We talked about our talents and how those can best be used to serve God. We talked about where we are right now - with our jobs, our neighborhood, our church, our social sphere - and looked at ways that we can honor God in those areas daily.

We realized how caught up we've been in looking for something "huge" to do for God all the while neglecting the daily moments that can bring God glory. Those daily moments - the daily laying down of our lives, our desires, our preferences, our attitudes for the benefit of someone else and for the glory of God - that is a huge thing. While the Bible is full of "big stories" of people doing (and God asking them to do) huge things, it is also bursting with verses on how to live daily in a way that pleases the Lord (don't quarrel, honor those in authority, work as unto the Lord, speak words that will benefit those who hear them).

We also came to the admission that serving God does not look the same for everyone. He created us all differently, with different circumstances, personalities, talents and spiritual gifts. Whatever circumstances - rich, poor, Africa or America; Whatever personalities - talkative, quiet or bold; Whatever talents - art, cooking or building; Whatever spiritual gifts - teaching, evangelism, encouragement; Whatever pieces God has put into each of us, the way in which those pieces come together as service to God will vary for every person. So if I am consumed with guilt over not living my life exactly like the missionary with fourteen adopted kids, or the guy who sold everything to move to the Ukraine and build an orphanage, or the author who challenges everyone to live radically - I could be seriously missing out on the opportunities that God has put in my path for me to fill.

Do I think that, regardless of everybody's "whatevers", we should still care for those in need and live off of less so that others can simply live?  You bet. (1 John 3:17-18)

Do I think that we should still live radically with everything we have and everything we are in order to bring glory to and know better the the God of the Universe? Absolutely. (Matthew 22:36-40)

Do I think that this looks the same for everyone? No, I don't. (Romans 12:3-8)

At time same time, I also have to be on guard because there is great risk in the attitude of "we all have different roles." This mindset can easily lead to a comfortable apathy that avoids truly giving my life over to God. 

Below are just a few specific ways that Devin and I have chosen to honor God and where we have agreed to focus our efforts to serve Him. How this will play out or change as we continue to seek God for direction and as our future as a couple continues to develop, I don't know. But we both feel confident moving forward with the "game plan" we established during out time out last night. 

• Living frugally in order to give generously 
• Adoption 
  
• Working cheerfully at our jobs, avoiding the "patterns of this world" by not giving into or contributing to negative attitudes and complaining.
• Treating our clients with respect, love, patience and integrity
  
• Giving of our time to reach out to our neighbors and to encourage those God has placed in our lives
  
• Influence this culture (Church-goers and otherwise) through the way we live, spend our time and money, and by how we speak about what God is doing in our lives, in order to bring glory to God and in order to draw others to Him
• Being open to opportunities to give of ourselves - our time, money, possessions, home - whenever they arise.

So that's just a glimpse into how God is putting our pieces together. It is likely very different from the pieces God might be putting together in your life. And I think that's okay, as long as we are all constantly seeking God through prayer and through His Word and asking Him to search our hearts for how we are or aren't truly serving Him. And most importantly, that when He does call us to action, we say YES!

 

Q4U - What is something you can do daily to bring God glory?