When God Doesn't Pick You

While I knew moving to Colorado was the resulting answer to our prayers, I still felt a bit miffed that (from my perspective) God had chosen to give my husband the desires of his heart, rather than giving me the desires of mine. I acknowledged that because our desires were different, God couldn't very well give us both what we wanted (or so I thought at the time), but I still didn't like the outcome.

As I stewed about God "choosing" Devin over me, a poisonous shift happened in my mind.

I allowed my wants (or "desires" if I'm trying to sound spiritual and not spoiled rotten) to morph into a need - and entitlement settled it's fat rump smack dab in the center of my heart. My prayers were no longer a petition of, "God, could you please maybe give me the desires of my heart?" but rather, "God, how could you be so cruel and withhold something I need?"

I wasn't just "a bit miffed" about the move anymore, I was angry with God and jealous of my husband. God had uprooted our life to give Devin want he wanted, and had ignored my needs. (Naturally, I had only converted my wants into needs, while Devin's wants conveniently remained petty wants.)

Even when I started to enjoy my new life in Colorado, this attitude shadowed my walk with God. And it got darker the more I held on to it - becoming a fearful, sinister accusation of, "God chose Devin over you. You don't matter enough to Him." It was a horrible place to be and caused me to keep God at arms length. Even when He was the only One I felt I could share my emotions with, my prayers were full of confusion, distrust, and often bitterness.

So when Devin announced at the end of last year that he wanted to move back to Arizona (and was actually excited about the idea), I was skeptical. Part of my suspicion in the ernest of his declaration was due to the fact that this man whom I knew and loved had told me from our earliest acquaintance that he absolutely never wanted to live in Arizona. But much of my avoidance in even discussing the topic stemmed from the fact that I didn't trust God. Since I had convinced myself that God didn't care about my needs, the prospect of moving back to Arizona didn't line up.

I'm starting to see now that while it appeared God was giving Devin's desires priority over mine, God was actually allowing both of our desires to be met. When the possibility of moving to Colorado was first seriously discussed, we prayed God would align our hearts on where we should live. Our desires were at odds, our reasons for staying-or-going weren't compatible, and we knew God was going to have to change our hearts so we could start guiding our family in some kind of direction. (It's difficult to settle on a job, or buy  a house, or invest in community or ministry, when "but what if we move?" is constantly on the table.)

This impasse would have likely continued to debilitate us had God not clearly told us to go to Colorado (or rather told me specifically, "Go with your husband"). Through our move Devin was finally able to experience the city he always dreamed of living in (and we ending up having a lot of fun discovering said city). We were provided many opportunities for growth personally, professionally, and in our marriage and family life. And at the end of it all, God chose both of our desires.

I never expected that this was the round-about path we'd have to take to align our hearts in this area. And I assumed it would be my heart that would need to be changed in regards to where we'd live. Ironically, by the time Devin made his declaration, I felt like my heart was starting to change and that I could actually like living in Colorado permanently. Perhaps this is why I felt so confused when we moved back home (and I still do at times when my heart misses our friends and our life in Colorado).

I know this isn't how God always works. There are a lot of times when a want-turned-need isn't what is best for us. Or when it feels like God is ignoring a need when really, He can just see a bigger picture. Sometimes, this life is unjust and though God walks beside us, we still get caught the the crossfire of this messed up world. And sometimes, our desires don't get met because they are not aligned with what God desires for us.

I didn't love moving three times in one year. I hated the homesickness. It would have been much easier had God changed Devin's heart before we moved from Arizona to Colorado and back again, or if had He made me really excited to move to Colorado in the first place. But He saw a bigger picture - ways my heart also needed to be changed (that wouldn't have happened had we stayed in Arizona), ways we needed to grow as a married couple and as a family unit, and ways we needed to experience community at a level we never did during our years in Arizona.

I'm learning so much through this process and can see now that God was never choosing Devin over me, or vice-versa. He was moving us both through the challenges, joys, and pains we needed at the time. It just looked different for each of us. And frankly, I listened to lies when I thought God didn't care. When I look back at the intricacies He wove through this last year, I would be blind and stupidly selfish not to gratefully acknowledge that He did in fact care, and had a purpose all along. 

Honestly, there are still residual doubts and struggles I'm working through as a result of my "God doesn't care" mentally, but I can at least see now that there was a purpose in all that happened through this move (some of which is still to be discovered). And this assures me that God does in fact care. I matter enough to Him.

If you are feeling like God hasn't "picked" you - please, please don't let bitterness and anger set in. He's got something in the works for all who love Him and it will be for a better purpose than the one you can see now, because it will be for His purpose. "And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). It might be painful and take a really long time, but if you listen to the lie that God doesn't care about you, the journey will be horribly lonely and so much harder.

The Best Meal You Never Eat

What is your absolute favorite meal? Most of mine come from my mom's kitchen. My mom is a great cook and knows how to make a mean broccoli-and-rice chicken casserole and whoo-boy is her manicotti delicious!

Growing up I ate some darn good food from my mama's kitchen. The thought never crossed my mind that it was a privilege to have a favorite meal, because I never worried about where my next meal would come from. The idea of not having enough food never even occurred to me. 

But for more than 140 million children around the world - the idea of having enough food is completely foreign. Hunger is a daily reality to them. And a favorite meal? This idea would be strange too - if they get to eat at all, they certainly don't get to be picky about what meal is their favorite.

Now when I say "hunger", I'm not talking missing a meal here and there, or having a little rumble in their tummies occasionally. I'm talking severe malnourishment that causes swollen stomachs, hair loss, skin discoloration, and reduces the body's ability to fight disease and infection. And every year, for 6 million children, this kind of hunger will also cause their death. (source: www.un.org)

Numbers like that are not only incomprehensibly tragic, but can feel overwhelming and debilitating. But the good news is that there are people doing something about it - and you can be one of them. Compassion International's One Meal One Day campaign is raising money to intervene in the lives of some of these severely malnourished children and you can be a part of the impact.

The idea is simple: give up your favorite meal between now and November 6, 2013, and donate the money you would have spent on that meal to One Meal, One Day. Easy right? And yet the impact on the children who receive food because of your gift will be exponential. (donate here)

Perhaps you're wondering, I thought Compassion's sponsor program helped these kids - why do they need more money? Good question, and here's the answer: Compassion's sponsorship program makes an unbelievable impact around the world by rescuing children from poverty, but there are many times when a child comes to the Compassion centers so malnourished that the funds from monthly sponsorships are not enough to meet the child's needs. Also, in the case of famine, natural disasters, or in emergency situations, the child many need more intervention than the sponsorship alone can provide. The money raised through One Meal One Day will help meet these extraordinary nutritional needs.

And getting involved is so easy. I'm willing to bet that if you are reading this (with - ahem - a computer//tablet/smartphone and an Internet connection), then you aren't worried about where your next meal is coming from and you probably can afford to skip one without much detriment to your health. But the money you would have spent on that one meal will stretch so much further in a poverty stricken country - providing far more than just one meal for one person.

One Meal One Day would be an amazing project for a family with older kids to tackle together. Talk about an tangible lesson - giving up one meal and experiencing a twinge of hunger so that other kids around the world might have the nutrition they need to live. That's a life-lesson your kids won't soon forget.

Or how about this idea: host a dinner party for your friends but serve beans and rice (a staple in most third-world countries). Then, donate the money you would have spent on steaks, side-dishes, desserts, and drinks. Plus, you'll have an awesome conversation-starter for your friends.

The main point is this: it only takes a little to make a huge difference in the lives of these kids. They need someone to step in and say, "You're important - you matter." All it takes is skipping one meal. Will you join me in the fight against hunger? If so, donating is just as simple - you can visit my fundraising page here. If you do join One Meal One Day, please come back here to my blog and tell me how it went - I'd love to hear about your experience!

Hungry for change? Let's do this thing!

Why I am (and am NOT) the Proverbs 31 Wife

I've been overwhelmed by the "Proverbs 31 Wife" for as long as I've been aware of her. Nearly an entire chapter of Scripture exalts her accomplishments as wife, mother, seamstress, cook, community-outreach coordinator, counselor, home manager, and business entrepreneur. Described as nobel, excellent, and worth more than rubies, she's freakin' wonder woman.

Being a part of the Christian church has given me plenty of opportunities to learn exactly how to be a "P31 Woman" (there are countless Bible studies, websites, programs, clubs, books, blogs, seminars, and t-shirts all dedicated to this goal). And all my exposure to Mrs. Excellent has given me plenty of opportunities to confirm that I just don't measure up. (Never mind that she is Jewish royalty with abundant wealth and a houseful of servants - two things that I am, alas, without.)

I love how Rachel Held Evans puts it in her book, A Year of Biblical Womanhood (which I shared my mixed feelings for here). After a month of trying to live out the Proverbs 31 ideal, Evans came to this painful admission (one I know I have faced as well):

"I couldn't shake the feeling that if these were indeed the accomplishments of a competent, capable, virtuous, valiant, and worthy wife, then I must be none of these things." 

Fortunately, Evans doesn't allow this depressing conclusion to be her final one (which is what I have tended towards in the past). Instead, she seeks out insight for this passage from a Jewish woman. As Evans puts it, "Seeing as how Jews have several thousand years on us when it comes to interpreting Scripture, Christians might consider listening to them more often."

And Evans doesn't just interview any Jewish woman. No, no. She interviews an Orthodox Jew named Ahava, who lives in Israel and is the wife of a rabbi. Yeah - authentic source here, people. Ahava gives a perspective on this passage of Scripture that I found to be not only fascinating, but a huge relief. Here's what she had to say when Evans asked her the question, "[Do] Jewish women struggle as much as Christian women to live up to the Proverbs 31 ideal?"

"Here's the thing. Christians seem to think that because the Bible is inspired, all of it should be taken literally. Jews don't do this. Even though we take the Torah literally (all 613 commandments!), the rest is seen differently, as a way of understanding our Creator, rather that direct commands. Take Proverbs 31, for example. I get called an eshet chayil (a valorous woman) all the time. Make your own challah instead of buying? Eshet chayil! Work to earn some extra money for the family? Eshet chayil! Make balloon animals for the kids a Shul? Eshet chayil! Every week at the Shabbat table, my husband sings the Proverbs 31 poem to me. It's special because I know that no matter what I do or don't do, he praises me for blessing the family with my energy and creativity." - Ahava, from A Year of Biblical Womanhood

I know that no matter what I do or don't do, he praises me for blessing the family with my energy and creativity. I love this. This something I can accomplish. And not just accomplish, but be encouraged to apply in a way that isn't overwhelming and debilitating.

While I loved this new-to-me interpretation of Proverbs 31, I also was hesitant to fully embrace it. I felt Evans, at times, spun information to her advantage in her book, so I ran this insight by my friend Aria, who is Messianic (a believer in Jesus as the Messiah who also follows Jewish traditions). She confirmed that in Jewish culture this passage is not viewed as a checklist. Rather, it is a poetic way to honor the many different attributes that an excellent wife - a woman of valor - may have.

Any other Christian ladies out there releasing a huge sign of relief right about now?

Not only is the poem used by husbands in Jewish culture to praise their wives, it is also used by Jewish women to encourage and praise other women. Which I think is amazing and something that is often lacking in our communities. Women tend to try to one-up each other, presenting a facade of perfection all the while judging other women (either to elevate themselves or to compare themselves in a self-depircating way). But the discovery that Proverbs 31's eshet chayil - woman of valor - is something woman can encourage each other with was beautiful to me.

"As I saw how powerful and affirming this ancient blessing could be, I decided it was time for Christian women to take back Proverbs 31. Somewhere along the way, we surrendered it to the same people who invented airbrushing and Auto-Tune and Rachel Ray. We abandoned the meaning of the poem by focusing on the specifics, and it became just another impossible standard by which to measure our failures. We turned an anthem into an assignment, and poem into a job description." - A Year of Biblical Womanhood (emphasis mine).

Despite the overwhelming "to do list" that shadowed my previous understanding of this passage of Scripture, and my relief that it doesn't have be viewed that way, there are things which, as a wife, mother, and believer, I still hold tightly to as ideals that should be emulated. The bit about "her husband is praised at the city gates" and "she brings [her husband] good and not harm, all the days of her life" and "her children arise and call her blessed" and "a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (verses 23, 12, 28, and 30).

These attributes - I feel - are not just poetic, but incredibly important to a healthy and happy family and faith. I want to bless my husband with good throughout our marriage. I want my husband to be respected by others because of the way I treat him. I find hope in the idea that one day my kids may call me blessed (and that doesn't happen through passive parenting). And I want to grow in my love for and trust in the Lord. These are excellent things and ones I hope to cultivate in my marriage, parenting, and faith.

As far as the task-oriented parts on "the list"? I'll say this: Proverbs 31 is full of awesome examples of "acts of valor" that can be inspiring. It's got really, really good stuff in it. But to find all of these qualities in one women? Well, as King Lemuel's mother told him from the beginning of the poem, "who can find [her]?"

Let us be encouraged by the knowledge that while we may never be the Proverbs 31 Woman, little pieces of her can shine though all of us as we serve our families, our God, and our communities - in many different ways - with excellence and valor.

Will the Ideal, Biblical Woman Please Stand Up?

I decided to read Rachel Held Evans' book, A Year of Biblical Womanhood, mainly because of the controversy. My "liberal" friends (read: female pastors who, though I don't always agree with, I admire greatly) had nothing but abounding praise for the book. While some of my deeply respected "conservative" friends (and many main-stream conservative leaders) thought the book was heretical and dangerous. And since I tend to fall somewhere in-between these two groups, and I like a good controversy now-and-then, I figured I'd pick myself up a copy.

Another reason I wanted to read this book is because while I am currently living the Westernize version of "biblical womanhood" (full time stay-at-home mom and wife), I have long struggled with the prominent, conservative viewpoint that the greatest way in which a woman brings glory to God is by being a good wife and mother who submits to her husband completely.

My struggle with this teaching doesn't exist because I think being a good wife and mother isn't a godly calling, or because I think wives shouldn't submit to their husbands - I think both are things that bring great glory to God. But when this type of role is elevated as the best, holiest, ideal position for a woman, it leaves out a huge population of faithful, God-loving women: The widowed or abandoned wife, the single mom, women who can't have children, women living in poverty who have no choice but to work to support their families, and single women like Katie Davis who moved to Uganda and adopted a whole houseful of orphans (thirteen to be more precise). And let's not forget that rather famous saint, Mother Teresa. Heard of her? Yeah. Unmarried and no kids.

Are these women unable to fully please God simply because they aren't married or don't have children? Are they "less-than" the ideal, biblical woman?

That just doesn't seem right. God uses all kinds of people in different ways, and a woman's ability to please God isn't on hold until she gets herself a husband and some kids. If the so-called, "biblical role of women" can't be applied universally to all women of faith, why is it being taught as such a rigid truth in so many Christian churches?

I felt Evans' book was, for the most part, an honest exploration of what the Bible says about women and their roles in the family and in faith. The book contained a few unflattering quotes from John Piper and Glen Beck that would probably have my conservative friends shaking their fists, and there were times that Evans approached these (and other) conservative leaders with a little too much snark. There were things about the book that I appreciated and learned from, questions I've always wrestled with that she addressed, and some things I took offense to. But overall, Evans' journey of trying to apply all of the Bible's instructions for women was a well-researched, respectful search for truth.

Reading about Evans' year-long exploration was at times humorous and at other times painful as I was confronted with some of my own judgmental attitudes towards woman who don't fit the traditional mold for a "biblical woman." And I learned that the Bible is full of stories of women who don't fit the mold either, yet are called righteous and faithful.

"The Bible does not present us with a single model for womanhood, and the notion that it contains a sort of one-size-fits-all formula for how to be a woman is a myth.

"Among the women praised in Scripture are warriors, widows, slaves, sister-wives, apostles, teachers, concubines, queens, foreigners, prostitutes, prophets, mothers, and martyrs. What makes these women's stories leap from the page is not the fact that they all conform to some kind of universal ideal, but that, regardless of the culture or context in which they found themselves, they lived their lives with valor. They lived their lives with faith. As much as we long for the simplicity of a single definition of "biblical womanhood," there is no one right way to be a woman, not mold into which we must each cram ourselves - not if Deborah, Ruth, Rachel, Tamar, Vashti, Esther, Priscilla, Mary Magdalene, and Tabitha have anything to say about it." - Rachel Held Evans, A Year of Biblical Womanhood

The kind of marriage relationship I witnessed growing up was one of mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21), and yet I never doubted that my dad was the respected head of our household (Ephesians 5:23). My parents worked through decisions, disagreements, and life as a team. My dad had the option to give the final say on decisions, but he always took my mom's perceptive and opinion into account. He supported her dreams and she supported his. While my mom did chose to stay home with us kids (working part-time as a nurse) and my dad worked full-time, there was still a mutual love and respect between them. There was no "greater" or "lesser" partner in the marriage. They shared the decisions of life the same way they shared the burdens and joys - equally. And they now have nearly 37 years of marriage to show for it. (Love you Mom and Dad!)

I believe that the Bible's admonition for a husband to love his wife and a wife to respect her husband is a model that works beautifully when applied with the betterment of both spouses in mind - and one that can help strengthen marriages and personal faith even if only applied from one side (the wife who chooses to respect her husband and the husband who chooses to love his wife, even when he/she doesn't "deserve" it). And I believe that, if it is possible, having a mother at home with her young children is a very beneficial thing. But due to the fact that people, marriages, and families are made up of all kinds of different personalities and talents, who live in different cultures, financial situations, and realities, it is unlikely that there is only one biblical way for a woman and her family to bring glory to God.

This post is not an attack of the traditional family any more than it is a feminist battle cry for women to rebel and do whatever the heck they want. The Bible does have a lot to say on what a godly woman looks like, but let us not pick-and-choose which standards to universally apply and which to conveniently ignore in order to fit our ideals. Rather, let's acknowledge that there are a lot of different examples of faithful women in the Bible and how a woman of God brings Him glory can take many different forms.

Would love to hear your thoughts and perspectives in the comments section!

* * *

If all goes according to plan (but let's be real, when does that ever happen), I'll be writing more about this book soon. I'll be sharing something very enlightening that I learned about the Proverbs 31 woman...

Living in Poverty While Filthy Rich

If you’ve been peeking in on these parts long, you know that my little family of four tries to live pretty frugally. We choose to do this for a number of reasons. We don’t want to have debt, we don’t want to be wasteful, we want to be able to live generously, we want to differentiate between wants and needs, and we personally hold to the belief that our money is not our own, but given to us by God and therefore we have a responsibility to Him to spend and give wisely.

But I’ll let you in on a little secret – we also live frugally because we have to. When I quit my job to stay home with the twins, our already frugal budget had its belt strap tightened quite a bit. According to the U.S. government, we are now living below the poverty line.

Through this financial adjustment, I'm learning quite a lot. I’m discovering creative ways to make rice and beans taste delicious (well, palatable at least … because I’m really not that great of a cook). I’m learning to live with the A.C. set just shy of comfortable. I’m learning to really differentiate between wants and needs. I’m also learning to appreciate the little things (like strolling the twins through the air conditioned mall while sharing a smoothie with Devin - this is now high-end family entertainment for us). And I’m developing a more thankful heart for all the things I do have. Like constant access to clean water, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, a loving family, and a never-gone-hungry belly.

I’ll let you in on another little secret – even living below the poverty line, my family is still wealthier that 80% of the world’s population*. That is a lot and some days, like when I have to put back an item in the grocery store because it just isn’t in the budget for the week, I certainly don’t feel rich. I feel poor. And I feel sorry for myself.

But then I remember that today I woke up in a comfy bed, in a two bed/two bath apartment, took a hot shower, walked into my closet and had an abundance of clothes to choose from, I greeted my loving husband and my healthy children. Later, I got into my air-conditioned car, drove to the aforementioned grocery store where I was accosted by the sheer number of choices available to me, and I bought enough food to keep my family well-fed. So I had to put back an item or two? I have in this short, daily, oft-overlooked series of events, more than most people in the world could ever hope for. 

The life most of us live in American is not normative, which is hard to remember when your culture is seeped in choices, opportunities and material possessions (even in a “down” economy). Maybe that’s why it is so easy to ignore the poor sometimes. We generally don’t run across them in our daily, American lives and/or we don’t realize how much we truly have in comparison to most of the world. A world where millions are dying because they don't have clean water. Where the poorest of the poor are living on one dollar a day. Where, in the most impoverished countries, one-in-five children die before their fifth birthday. One-in-five. That is insane.

So, when I treat myself to the occasional Starbucks latte as a "please get me out of the apartment and give me a break from the kids before I go crazy" mental breathier, from the perspective of someone living on one dollar a day, I have just spent about four days wages. My family lives on around $54.00 per day**, so if I were to apply the same math, to the eyes of those living in extreme poverty, my tall toffee nut latte cost $216.00. Wait what??? Talk about living extravagantly. 

Globally speaking – I am filthy stinkin’ rich (which is an interesting term isn’t it?). I’ve got it good. Like, really, super, unbelievably good. I often ask myself (and God), “Why me? Why did I luck out? Why do I have enough? Why are my children not the ones dying of hunger and disease?” These are hard, painful questions for me to consider. On one hand, I am so grateful that my life is what it is, yet I feel a strong sense of “survivor’s guilt” sometimes at my wonderful circumstances and that they are not available to everyone. The only answer that has ever satisfied those questions is this: I have been blessed so that I can bless others. That is the only way I can to reconcile in my own heart and mind the vast, unfair, and growing chasm between the world’s rich and the world’s poor.

I’ll admit, this idea itself can seem unfair. After all, my husband works hard to provide for us - we earned that money. We deserve it and we need it. Why should we give it away to others?

Because many others don’t have the opportunities that we have. They work hard from dawn-to-dusk and still can’t afford to put food in the bellies of their children. Progress in their lives is destroyed by war, disease, corruption, lack of education, the ever-present need to simply survive… the list goes on. These are not things they have chosen and often things they cannot change on their own. And if our circumstances were reversed, if I had been born into a war-torn county with little hope or opportunity to rise above the life-ending poverty I found myself in, I sure as heck would pray that they would choose to help me. It’s that whole, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” thing.

Helping the poor and making a difference in the world is not difficult. We can all do something. Plus, there are numerous organization already established that have make this process easy and accessible for us. Giving up a little (or a lot) of what is “ours” so that others can have a better life is likely not going to destroy us. Choosing to adjust our lifestyle, thought-process, spending habits and hearts in order to joyfully give more (of our time, money, talents and other resources) can be hard (at first), but it can also be so rewarding. And - I will warn you upfront - a little bit addicting (and totally, 100%, you-won’t-regret-it, worth it).

*See how globally wealthy you are here: www.whoarethejones.org). 
** That number is based on our family's total annual income.

Ugandan Mamas and Me

Truth be told, my spirit has been a little stir-crazy since traveling to Uganda and getting all pumped about loving the poor through action, then coming home and having twins and realizing the "loving the poor" thing might need to take a back seat for a little bit as I care for my babies. Well, not a back seat exactly. I still sponsor two sweet girls in Uganda through Compassion International and we still give to a number of organizations that are doing some amazing things to help make a lasting change for the poor. So I guess I'm not taking a backseat, I'm just not as hands-on as I would like to be because I've got both hands full with the two little ones God has blessed me with. Maybe it should be easy for me to let that be enough right now. But it just isn't. There is too much suffering going on around the world and too much comfort in my own life and it just doesn't sit well with me. I have to do something more.

As I study my Bible, I'm finding again and again that for someone who claims to love Jesus, loving others - especially the poor - is a huge, non-negotiable response. A natural, overwhelming desire from a heart changed by Christ (don't believe me? check out this verse). 

I don't get (or want) a "veto" card on the caring for the poor thing just because I'm a mom with young babes. Motherhood is a huge calling, a lot of work and a precious responsibly, don't get me wrong, but even the "Proverbs 31 Woman" cared for the poor while caring for her own family ("She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy" - verse 20). But there is no denying that it's hard right now with the twins being so young. 

I find myself dreaming of the day when I can involve my kiddos in loving-the-poor-projects and use those opportunities to teach them about the love God has for the world and how we can show His love to others through the way we live. Those will be incredible moments that I will cherish and that I eagerly look forward to, but those times are still a few years out. 

So I started thinking - what talents/abilities/opportunities do I have right now that I could leverage to love the poor? Where can I start right now? And after a little planning, I am super excited to share with you what I've come up with.

You may (or may not) know that I make and sell beaded crosses. One of them (the one pictured on the upper left of my blog) is made with recycled magazine beads from Uganda and each time that cross sells, I give 50% of the proceeds to Amazima Ministries which provides approximately sixty meals for a child living in the slums of Uganda. But I also have many other styles of crosses, so I thought, why not use those crosses to help the poor as well? So I've opened an online boutique through Etsy (which is something I've been dragging my feet on until I got inspired by this idea) and 25% of all of my profits will be donated to Kiva - an organization that provides small, low-interest loans to help those living in extreme poverty start a business. (By the way, the repayment rate of these loans is incredibly high: 99% of those receiving a loan pay in back in full.)

One unfortunate misconception about the poor is that they are poor because they are lazy. However, more often than not, the poor are extremely hard-working. They simply lack the hope and opportunity to lift their family out of poverty. A micro-loan of just $100 would give someone living in extreme poverty the capital needed to start a business and begin using their talents and abilities to provide for their family. Giving them not only sustainable income, but confidence, empowerment, a sense of achievement and HOPE. All things that can break the cycle of poverty and be a catalyst for lasting change for the poor. Not a temporary hand-out, but a life-altering hand-up.

Here's my favorite part of this venture: I'll be providing loans specifically to working mothers in Uganda. As a working-from-home mother myself, who also happens to love the people and country of Uganda, it is a perfect match. (My heart just fluttered a little bit even thinking about it.) 

Another reason I chose mothers specifically is this: I love adoption (I have two adopted sisters whom I adore), but I would love even more for a mama to be able to keep and provide for her babies instead of having to give them up for adoption because she can't make enough money to feed them. I would love for kids not to be orphaned by AIDS because the only available way for their mother to make a living was to sell her body. A Kiva loan can change these things and keep babies the arms of their mamas. Be still my mother's heart. And my poor-loving heart for that matter. ::flutter flutter::

If you are interested in what I'm doing, here's the link to my Etsy shop: www.etsy.com/shop/jhcraftynotions

And here's a little peek of a few of the crosses I have available:

Thanks for listening to my excited ramblings. Creativity, helping the poor, mamas and their kids, Uganda:  this kind of stuff just gets my heart pumping!!  

The Power of Words (Goal #57: Complete)

More progress on my Project 101 in 1001 list. Read about my journey here.

Goal #57:  Write my Compassion sponsor children once a month for a year - COMPLETE

For the past year, I have participated in Compassion International's "Second Fridays" - an initiative that challenges sponsors to write their children on the second Friday of every month. I blogged before about how life-changing it is to these kids to receive letters from their sponsors and how crushed they are when they don't hear from them (read that post here).


After meeting my two sponsor girls, Rachael and Barbra, this past spring, it has been an even greater joy to correspond regularly with them. Though this goal is completed, I will absolutely continue my monthly letters to these precious girls. They are such a gift in my life and it is privilege to be a voice of encouragement and truth to them. 


If you sponsor a child through Compassion or similar organization, please pick up a pen and send your child a letter. You can never fully understand how powerful your words of encouragement are to them. (Watch this awesome interview of former Compassion sponsor children to get a glimpse at the difference your words can make.)

Goal #39 COMPLETE: Calm My Anxious Heart

More progress on my Project 101 in 1001 list. Read about my journey here. 

Goal 39: Read Calm My Anxious Heart - COMPLETE

 

Hi. My name is Jennifer and I'm a worryaholic.

Hi Jennifer.

I have a problem - an addiction if you will. My drugs of choice? - "Whys?" "What Ifs" and "If Onlys." I put this book on The List as the first step to recovery (admitting I had a problem). The second step was actually reading the book. From there, the steps get kinda fuzzy, but I know two things: 1) I feel like something can, should and will be done about my worry problem. 2) I am very grateful that I read this book when I did (about a month before my due date).

As if my constant battle with worrying weren't chronic enough, I've now got motherhood to add to my easy excuses as to why it's "okay" to worry. We've all heard it said, "It's a mother's job to worry." And trust me, you hear it (and read it) even more when you're pregnant. (And probably even more when you have the kid.)

But if a mother claims to put her trust in God, how can worrying be her purpose as a mother? It makes no sense and the contradiction can't possibly be Biblical. (Even if a mother doesn't claim to trust in God, I think we can all agree worry is useless and gets us nowhere.) 

While I don't know the Bible cover-to-cover, I can't remember ever finding or hearing about a verse that gives believers permission to worry. Instead, we are told: Trust in the Lord with all your heart (Proverbs 3:5-6), Do not worry (Matthew 6:25-34), Do not be anxious (Phil. 4:6), Be content in everything (Phil. 4:11). But a cop-out for worrying even though God tells us not to? It ain't in there folks.

Another area where worry gets a hold of me - my actions, not just my thoughts - is in the area of control. I'm a planner and a doer and "waiting on the Lord" is not in my instincts. I'd much rather say a quick prayer and then plunge ahead with my plans if I don't get a speedy response. I "take" control from God when I feel He's being too slow in giving me a clear, precise direction. Being that God is ultimately in control, it shouldn't keep surprising me that time and time again this course of action has done me zero good and brings me right back to worrying as I wonder, "Will this work?" or "Did I make the right decision?" or "What now?"

(Now, the flip-side to this is stepping out in faith. Not really sure yet how "waiting on the Lord" and "stepping out in faith" work together, but I do know that "stepping out in faith in myself" hasn't worked out so great in my life.)

My biggest take-away and put-it-into-action from this book has been learning to turn my worries into praise and prayer. Here's an example: Worry: I don't feel prepared to become a mom. Praise: Thank You Lord for choosing to bless me with these two little boys. Prayer: God, please teach me to be a good, godly mom. Show me how to live in a way that teaches my sons to love You and love others. I need Your help Lord - I know I can't do it without You.

This practice has helped me a lot and it gives my whirling, worrying mind something positive to focus on and causes me to spend more time in prayer admitting my need for God rather than trying to rely on myself (and thus adding to the my stress, worry and burdens).

Second-to-Bottom Line: Worry is no fun. It's a waste of time and energy. It's un-Biblical.

Actual Bottom Line: Not worrying is something that is learned - it takes practice and trust and I've got a big ol' "Work In Progress" sign on my heart and head right now.

"As we grow in trusting God in all things, our contentment becomes an act of worship... we worship God more by contentment than when we come to hear a sermon or spend a half-hour in prayer. These are certainly acts of worshiping God, but they are only external. The soul worship of God is to be content with what He gives, to be thankful in all things." - Calm My Anxious Heart

Goal #65 Complete: Birthday Giving

More progress on my Project 101 in 1001 list. Read about my journey here.    

Goal #65: For my birthday one year, ask for cash and donate it to House of James Orphanage - COMPLETE 

Generally speaking, I enjoy gifts (especially when they are made or thought-out with me in mind by a perceptive giver). But I say "generally" because even though I like getting gifts, I often have a hard time accepting them without regret when I look at my own vast abundance in comparison the deep needs of the world around me. It seems so frivolous in light of the suffering of so many. At the same time, I have to understand that people enjoy giving gifts and sometimes that is even their love language (my husband for example), so to demand that they stop can be hurtful to a well-meaning, loving gifter.

More recently, especially since last Christmas, the gifts that bring the most joy to my heart are those which also bless someone in need. So for my birthday this year, I asked for something that I felt would bring the most thrill to my heart - donations on my behalf to House of James (an orphanage in the Ukraine that many of my friends and family in Tucson are involved with).

House of James (HOJ) was founded by a young man named Sean who had been content to spend his life getting rich, partying and "living the dream". He was young, good-looking and what the world would call successful. Somehow, his dad convinced Sean take a mission trip with him and visit some orphanages in the Ukraine. Sean was absolutely broken and transformed by what he saw. Not only did he give his life to Christ during that trip, he became overwhelmed with a desire to do something to help the vast population of Ukrainian children with no one to care for them. When Sean returned to America, he sold everything he owned, paid off all of his debts and moved to the Ukraine to open a home for orphans.

House of James now runs two, soon-to-be-three, homes for orphaned and abandoned children in the Ukraine. Each "family home" has a set of foster parents and HOJ strives to create a warm, loving, home-like environment for the forgotten children in their care. 

From the HOJ website: "Our vision, as we grow, is to open up various family homes located throughout Ukraine and even the world. It is a vital part of our ministry to show orphans and the forgotten children the same love and compassion that Christ gives." Learn more about HOJ here.

(Sean, pictured center, with some of the HOJ kids)

I received a very kind, personal thank you message from Sean letting me know that my birthday donations would be going towards the registration costs for the new HOJ van. A van that will not only ease the transportation burdens of the foster parents, but also be available to transport the children to a hospital in case of an emergency.

Happy birthday to me - my heart is very blessed. :-) 

Verse on the HOJ website: “What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, “Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” - James 2:14-17 

The Purpose of Rest

Life has been so topsy-turvy lately and so much has been going on - big things, small things, things I want to remember and share - and yet the blog is silent. I wonder, how is it possible to have so much to express and yet be stricken fast, long and hard with such a bad case of writer's block? Maybe there is just plain too much going on in my head, but not enough "doing" anything about it and this has resulted in a multi-week hiatus from the blog. I don't really know and it hurts my brain to think about it too long.

I'm gonna try my best to write something somewhat meaningful today and the topic that I keep intending to write about is ironically (and somewhat hypocritically, but I'm learning) - REST.

We were talking about rest in a recent (oh - I guess that was actually about three weeks ago) ladies' Bible study at my church. There were a whole slew of verses that we studied on the subject, but the two that stood out to me the most were possibly the two most often repeated and known the world over:

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, 

he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths 

for his name’s sake. 

(Psalms 23:1-3)

and

 
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 

(Psalms 46:10)

These verses are common. I've probably read them, recited them and seen them printed, embroidered and quoted thousands of times. Yet, when I read them this time around, something new jumped out at me. Rest is not about me. True rest (the kind that scripture talks about) has never been about me. Shocking I know. But like every other part of the Bible, the point is always God and His glory. Even things that can benefit me (rest, truth, biblical living, salvation) are only byproducts of the true purpose behind them- bringing God glory. 

Read those verses again:

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, 

he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths 

for his name’s sake. 

(Psalms 23:1-3)

and

 
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 

(Psalms 46:10)

Making rest a part of my life is about God. It is for His name's sake, for His glory, so that He will be exalted. When I don't follow the command to rest in Him, I miss the opportunity to point others to His glory. 

Honestly, how can I tote the idea that a life with God brings "peace that passes all understanding" while at the same time run around stressed-out, maxed-out and over-committed? That sort of lifestyle does nothing to bring God glory.

The challenge is, I don't really know what a life resting in God looks like. I've spent my whole life in a world (America) that often requires a fast pace just to keep from getting trampled. But I don't want to live like an American, I want to live like a Christian and I think in this particular area, the two often collide. Again, I don't know where the change lies or really how to make it happen yet, but I'm learning. Slowly. 

One area that I'm learning to be better at is taking a Sabbath - a day of rest. To work hard during the week, in order to rest on Sunday and let the command "remember the Sabbath" become part of my life. This change (in progress) has been entirely due to Devin's influence (okay, consistent prodding). I married a mellow guy and getting his fast-paced, over-achiever wife to settle down for five minutes, let alone a whole day has been challenging for him I know, but I believe he is doing the right thing in leading our family to learn take a day of rest. We are still figuring out exactly what that should look like, but it's a start in the right direction.

So that's what I've been pondering amidst the swirl of life (and maybe part of the reason for my stand-still). What about you? I imagine your life is just as busy, or more so, as mine. How do you make biblical, God-centered rest a part your life/week/day? 

Encouraged.

If you read my post on Friday and you prayed for me or left me a sweet comment on my blog, facebook or email - THANK YOU! I can not even tell you how much your words and prayers uplifted and encouraged me. I was truly overwhelmed by your response and support. Just about every message made me well up with tears and I flat out cried at a couple of them. You are all amazing - thank you.

There is still so much for me to think and pray about. Mainly, that I can discover a balance between getting so caught up in my own little world/family that I neglect the needs of others and on the other end of the extreme, getting so consumed by trying to minister to others that I neglect my own family. How this future could look is uncharted territory for me and as a planner, that makes me uncomfortable. But what an opportunity to learn to trust God more!

There are a few things that some of you mentioned in your comments that got me especially excited:

• The faith journey that becoming a parent entails. (Already, I have seen my faith and trust in God be stretched because of this pregnancy - especially in regards to His provision financially and when I traveled to Uganda during my first trimester because I knew that regardless of the risks and the possibility of a miscarriage, God would be right there with me whatever happened.)

• Taking time away from "active" ministry in order to strengthen my prayer life and to study scripture more - making me a better wife, mom, friend and witness to those in my life, both in the church and outside of it.

• New doors being opened for relationships with other mamas in my community - both in the church and outside of it. To have the chance to learn from godly, "veteran" mamas and to hopefully encourage and offer hope to some mamas that might be struggling.

• Raising these two little boys to be God-loving and others-focused. And as they grow bigger, to involve them in ministry opportunities with me. This one gets my heart pumping the most, but I know that it will also take time. However, the preparation for that season can start now!

Thank you again to all of you who offered your encouragement over the last few days - I am so blessed.

A whole lot of jumbled up nothing

I keep meaning to post something - anything really - of value on the blog. Some deep thought, or wonderful insight, or touching truth I'm learning. But I'm in a slump. My thoughts are all kinds of jumbled up right now and I keep feeling that while there is so much going on upstairs, it is just a whole lot of nothing that's getting me just-about nowhere.

I thought maybe blogging about some of it might help to bring something into focus.

Simply put, I feel consumed by preparation for the Twins - physically, mentally, financially, medically, time-wise, space-wise... it doesn't seem to end. I sometimes feel like its all I exist to do anymore and I'm struggling with that. Maybe I wouldn't be fighting with this so much if I had been "ready" for this whole situation. If it wasn't all so unexpected. What was expected seems lost now and I'm not sure how to handle it. 

Let me back up. In November, when plans for our Uganda trip were first in the works, my hope was that the trip would really direct our steps in regards to future ministry - whether here, there or somewhere else entirely. My hope was to come back from Uganda with a clear vision of how Devin and I could best serve God and others in a tangible way.

Then six weeks before we left, we got pregnant with the Twins. Twins who I love more than I thought possible. Twins that I'm excited to meet and hold and love on. Twins that I'm grateful for, even though I wasn't expecting this gift. But with all this joyful anticipation comes the question of, "Now what?" How do I serve God the way I wanted to (radically) with two twin infants in tow? 

I know, I know - being a mom is a ministry. I get that babies need to be cared for, nurtured, and as they grow, have parents who show them how to love God. I know that God created mothers to fulfill a big chunk of the child-rearing role. I understand that being a parent is a ministry, but I do not believe that being a parent is the only thing my life should be about. 

Which leaves me with the "What now?" and the fear that I will become so consumed by caring for my own little family that I neglect the needs of those who are truly in need. I feel like the passion God has raised in me for the poor and the needy is being dragged away and focused solely on the babies and I'm powerless to stop it... and I'm concern that this passion will never get back to where it was.

There is a quote from Franis Chan keeps coming to my mind:

"It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn’t call you there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and superficial peace."  (from "The Forgotten God")

I think this might be my greatest fear in regards to becoming a mother. I do not want to be so distracted by my own life that I never live for those outside my four walls.

If there are any other mamas out there with some advice or some stories on how they still lived radically for God and others amidst the chaos of raising a family (especially with infants), I would so covet your words of encouragement and wisdom. Even if you don't have advice, I'd appreciate your prayers. Thanks friends. 

The Best Christmas EVER

You've no doubt heard it said "'tis better to give than to receive." This has been true in my experience and this past Christmas, I discovered a form of gift-giving that brought even more meaning to that sage advice. I discovered 'tis better to give and receive in a way that blesses the giver, the gifted and someone in need. I'm not kidding folks - I have never experienced so much joy through giving and receiving gifts as I did this Christmas.

If you read this post, then you know that Devin and I made a point this Christmas to purchase unique gifts for our friends and family that would also help someone in need. We also requested that our families give us gifts that did the same. The ones who did blessed the socks off of us (not to mention blessed someone less fortunate in the process)!

My sister-in-law, Shannon gave me a beautiful jewelry set (pictured right) from World Craft Village which helped an artisan living in India support their family.

My parents gave me some adorable Punjammies pajama bottoms which helped women in India escape forced prostitution.

My favorite gift was that my dad gave gifts to World Concern on behalf of everyone in our family. My three youngest siblings received 20 chickens for a family in need, my brother and his girlfriend got 12 ducks, Mom (a "farm girl" and avid gardener) got a vegetable garden, and Devin and I got a piglet - all gifts that help families living in poverty-stricken countries feed and support their families. (Read about the Christmas project Devin and I did for World Concern here.) 

20 chickens, 12 ducks, a veggie garden and a pig!

On the giving end of things, I had so much fun finding gifts that would help those in need and uniquely bless those who received the gifts. Over 50% of Devin and my gifts fell into this "double-gifting" category and we were honored to purchased items that benefited ex-prostitutes, kids in foster care, Iraqi children in need of life-saving heart operations, along with a number of poor artisans from around the world. This is absolutely something we will keep doing in the future - it brought joy in so many ways and opened up some really neat conversations with those we love. 

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." - Luke 6:38