I keep meaning to post something - anything really - of value on the blog. Some deep thought, or wonderful insight, or touching truth I'm learning. But I'm in a slump. My thoughts are all kinds of jumbled up right now and I keep feeling that while there is so much going on upstairs, it is just a whole lot of nothing that's getting me just-about nowhere.
I thought maybe blogging about some of it might help to bring something into focus.
Simply put, I feel consumed by preparation for the Twins - physically, mentally, financially, medically, time-wise, space-wise... it doesn't seem to end. I sometimes feel like its all I exist to do anymore and I'm struggling with that. Maybe I wouldn't be fighting with this so much if I had been "ready" for this whole situation. If it wasn't all so unexpected. What was expected seems lost now and I'm not sure how to handle it.
Let me back up. In November, when plans for our Uganda trip were first in the works, my hope was that the trip would really direct our steps in regards to future ministry - whether here, there or somewhere else entirely. My hope was to come back from Uganda with a clear vision of how Devin and I could best serve God and others in a tangible way.
Then six weeks before we left, we got pregnant with the Twins. Twins who I love more than I thought possible. Twins that I'm excited to meet and hold and love on. Twins that I'm grateful for, even though I wasn't expecting this gift. But with all this joyful anticipation comes the question of, "Now what?" How do I serve God the way I wanted to (radically) with two twin infants in tow?
I know, I know - being a mom is a ministry. I get that babies need to be cared for, nurtured, and as they grow, have parents who show them how to love God. I know that God created mothers to fulfill a big chunk of the child-rearing role. I understand that being a parent is a ministry, but I do not believe that being a parent is the only thing my life should be about.
Which leaves me with the "What now?" and the fear that I will become so consumed by caring for my own little family that I neglect the needs of those who are truly in need. I feel like the passion God has raised in me for the poor and the needy is being dragged away and focused solely on the babies and I'm powerless to stop it... and I'm concern that this passion will never get back to where it was.
There is a quote from Franis Chan keeps coming to my mind:
"It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn’t call you there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and superficial peace." (from "The Forgotten God")
I think this might be my greatest fear in regards to becoming a mother. I do not want to be so distracted by my own life that I never live for those outside my four walls.
If there are any other mamas out there with some advice or some stories on how they still lived radically for God and others amidst the chaos of raising a family (especially with infants), I would so covet your words of encouragement and wisdom. Even if you don't have advice, I'd appreciate your prayers. Thanks friends.