A tunnel with a light at the end

I felt compelled to give a little update after my previous, rather dreary post. But I think I should back up a little first.

When I was fifteen, I had my first bout of depression, brought on by a relatively small loss that I didn't know how to process. The experience sent me into a spiral of depression that would rear its ugly head off and on all the way through college. While this depression was partial hereditary, it was made worse by unresolved emotional losses, stress, and a refusal to seek help because I was too afraid of the stigma of going to counseling or getting on medication. Sadly, it was the Christians in my life that I most feared judgement from. This was mainly due to the fact that when my depression first started, I was told by a well-meaning, but misinformed, friend that if I just "had a little more faith", I would "snap out of it."

So my perception was that if my Christian circle knew about my depression, and the resulting doubts about God, they would think me faithless, crazy, or both. So I avoided getting help until I was so deep into my depression, and so miserable, that I didn't care anymore what others thought of me. I only knew that I wouldn't be able to keep my suicidal thoughts from turning into action unless I got help.

So the summer of my senior year of college, I met with a wonderful Christian counselor and she was able to help me learn how to manage my depression, work through my doubts about God, and process the severe grief I was experiencing at the time (in the course of a few months, three of my loved ones had died - my two grandpas and a dear family friend). I learned some of the things that triggered my depression and how to guard against them. I got on medication for a while in order to get the chemicals in my brain under control enough to process my struggle more clearly. And I learned that counseling is a helpful, healing, and heathy tool for dealing with the emotional trauma that is sometimes part of life. 

So why do I bring all this up? Because another thing I learned is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how bleak and hopeless and painful things seem, there is hope. Getting there takes work and the process itself can be really painful, but there is hope. Which is how I feel about this move. It hurts now, but I know it won't hurt this bad forever. The thing is though, I haven't been sure how to get through the tunnel to the light at the end of it.

When you're dealing with something like loss and depression, it's not just a matter of giving it time, or about finding something positive to focus on. It's not even just about trusting God. I believe my faith has played a huge part in helping me manage my struggle with depression and I believe it will help me through this most recent loss, but I've also learned that having a healthy understanding of how my mind and heart are designed is incredibly important to healing completely. 

Which is why I contacted my counselor, Bobbie, after writing my last post. She directed me to a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook. It has been very helpful as I learn more about how our minds and hearts process loss, how our culture is full of misinformation about handling grief, and how I can work through loss in an intentional, healthy way. It has been really, really good for me and I would recommend it to anyone dealing with a loss - whether a "big" one like death or divorce, or other types of loss like the end of a relationship or friendship, moving, a career change, broken trust, or anything else that is causing you to experience the pain of loss.

For me, loss is a big trigger to my depression and I'm fighting it by working through my grief in a healthy way. I have no wish to travel down that dismal road again.  And I always want to be honest about my struggle because I don't want anyone to avoid getting help because they fear the stigma, or feel alone, as I did. Counseling is a blessing, not a reason for judgement. While the circumstances surrounding depression and grief are different for each person, no one is alone in their struggle. Pain is a part of life, but if we're afraid to process that pain in a healthy way, it will taint the joy that is also a part of life.

"There is a time for every event under heaven... A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance." - Ecclesiastes 3

There is a time for grieving. Which is good, because it sometimes takes a while to work through it. But on the other side of it, there is a time to dance. Maybe I won't be pulling out my dancing shoes every day, and maybe the tears will come more often than I'd like, but there is hope at the end of this tunnel. For me, and for anyone reading this who can relate. 

When Darkness Seems to Cover the Light

I've shared before about my battle with depression and how God walked me through that valley. It was a journey I hope never to repeat, yet at the same time I know that should I face those struggles again, God will again walk me through it.

During those deepest, darkest hours of depression there seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. The darkness had consumed any perceivable light in my life. I had no hope and felt I would be in this pit forever. I felt betrayed by friends who didn't understand or support me during my struggle; who turned their back at the sight of my pain. I felt forsaken by a God who, despite my pleading to be free from the grasp of this darkness, seemed to have left me alone with my fearful, despairing thoughts.

Yet, in the end, the Light did shine brighter than the darkness. God used and is still using those dark hours to show His glory in my life.

Today is Good Friday and this morning I was reading in my Bible the story of Jesus' betrayal; His pleading with God in the garden; His closest friend deserting Him; Peter's denial; God forsaking Him in His darkest hour... and I realized how familiar it all seemed. Those feelings and situations were something I could relate to (though not nearly to the same level of course). I have experienced my Good Friday.

Then I thought about the irony of the name "Good Friday." How can a day which was so dark and full of such deep pain be called "Good"? Because Friday was not it end of the story - it could not be called Good if it was. My battle with depression was not the end of my story, and thus is was Good. Today is remembered as Good because God brought redemption out of the darkest day in history by raising Christ from the dead and providing forgiveness for our sins. And in my life, God gave me healing from my depression and turned something terribly painful into something Good.

It is a Good Friday and even as I reflect today on my own darkest moments, I can say with confidence that God has brought His Good from those awful days. 

There is Hope. Even when it seems that darkness is all-consuming, God is faithful to redeem the darkness for His glory. Trust Him to make the darkness Good.

Goal #2: Life Updates - August

August was a rough month for me.

When Devin found himself without a job, as much as I fought to stay positive, I internalized more of the stress than I realized, or was willing to admit. As we searched for direction as to what to do and where to go next, I found myself constantly playing all of our alternative futures in my head. Being one that doesn't handle change all that well (read: horribly) picturing all the different directions our life could go did not do good things for my psyche.

There where many a night where I was kept awake while negative thoughts advanced on my sleep-deprived, vulnerable brain. These things (change, stress and fatigue) are all triggers for my depression, so as I enter into September I'm trying to make a game plan to nip this in the bud before I go down the dark rabbit hole again. Loosely, the plan includes:

• Exercise (never underestimate the power of endorphins to cheer you up and help you sleep)
• Eating more fruits and veggies (thanks to the Daniel Fast, this doesn't seem so daunting)
• Serving others (It is amazing how focusing on helping someone else distracts you from you own worries and makes them fade in contrast)
• Continuing my mornings of breakfast and devotions on the porch (I've keep that schedule since "completing" Goal #30 and I can't imagine how worse off I might be emotionally had I not been spending this time with the Lord)
• Staying transparent about how I'm doing emotionally with my husband and my accountability partner.
• Remembering that I've been through this before and made it to the other side and that I can do it again (with God's help and the incredible blessings of the family and friends that He's given me in my arsenal).

I don't share this to have an "oh-poor-Jen-pity-party," but because I remember what it was like to be extremely depressed and to feel completely alone - to feel that no one else could understand. Four years ago, when I was in my darkest days, I didn't talk about the fact that I was in counseling, or that I had a psychiatrist who prescribed me anti-depressants, or that I felt an overwhelming hopelessness. I feared that if people knew, they would think I'd gone and flew over the coo-coo's nest.

Eventually, I realized that I was not alone and that other people do struggle with this. Once I opened up to those closest to me and sought help through a blend of Christian counseling and medication, the isolation began to slowly, slowly fade and the fog of hopelessness I'd been engulfed by began to lift. All praises to God that I haven't had a serious attack in nearly four years.

There is a certain stigma surrounding depression, especially (I feel) in the Church. People just don't talk about it or understand it all that well. That's why, when its appropriate, I try to speak openly about my own experience with depression, in hopes that someone who has not felt comfortable with sharing their battle will have the freedom to do so. I remember feeling alone all too well and I don't want to miss the chance to give someone else hope.

My depression is not in the least-bit fun. Even though God has brought good out of it, I don't know if I'll ever be able to call it a "blessing." Given the choice, I would selfishly choose not to have this battle. However, God has allowed it in my life and He has certainly used it in the past to bless and encourage others and to strengthen me and for that I am profoundly thankful. It is a strange paradox to wish you didn't struggle with something, but to be thankful that God has used it for good.

Q4U - How has God used a struggle in your life as encouragement for someone else?

Have Some Negative Encouragment On Me

I'm torn between sharing too much and maintaining a no-I'm-not-perfect-just-like-you honesty. Between this post and a teaching I heard by author/speaker Emerson Eggerichs, I feel challenged to reconsider how much I edit my life on this blog (which is quite a bit sometimes). Eggerichs mentioned how people assume that everyone else is getting along fine and they are the only ones with problems. But sharing vulnerabilities gives us hope and acts as "negative encouragement." In other words, it encourages others when they know everyone around them ain't perfect.

So here's my disclaimer: I don't want this blog to be a place of negativity and ranting. I do want it to be a place of encouragement and often times (a lot of times actually) it is encouraging to know that other people struggle with the same things you do. 

So that's that and here we go.

I checked the mail Sunday and low-and-behold, my copy of Radical had arrived. I got nervous/excited chills reading the sub-headline: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream. In addition, plans were in the works to start the Daniel Diet/Fast on Tuesday (more on that later.) So - a book arrives Sunday that is bound to alter the way I view my life and I'm starting an "alright-God-you-have-my-attention-fast" on Tuesday. Guess what happens on Monday? You got it: Complete. Meltdown.

I have battled clinical depression for a good chunk of my life and I've had some incredibly dark days. I am also fairly skeptical about "Satan is attacking me" stories. But hooo-boy was Monday night a doozey! I'm not kidding y'all - it has been a long time since I was attacked with such intense, dark emotions - mentally, spiritually and even physically. Devin and I had just finished a chapter in Crazy Love and I became overwhelmed to the point of trembling with thoughts of hopelessness, of not being and never being good enough for God, for my husband or for my children-that-I-don't-even-have-yet. I felt a severe sense of self-loathing, which unfortunately spewed all over my dear husband.

I tried to sleep in order to escape the constant outpouring of these negative thoughts. Sleep wouldn't come. Nor would prayers beyond, "God help me!" Which, incidentally, is a difficult prayer to even consider while you're being swarmed by thoughts of worthlessness.

My husband was a trooper through all of this. Even though my anger at myself was coming out as anger towards him, he coxed me into talking and held me until I finally cried myself to sleep. It was awful. I was awful. I'm embarrassed even remembering it.

Since that night, things have stabilized emotionally, but I have to maintain honestly here and say that this episode really freaked me out. I have never experienced such dark opposition when trying to turn my life over to God's guidance. It makes me wonder what guns will roll out when I actually start particpating in the Radical Read-Along or when I actually start doing some of the things I've been reading about.

It's scary to me. But it also makes me think, "Wow. There must be major potential for some awesome things coming up in my life. Satan does not want me to read this book or make this change." I don't know if that makes it easier to handle (not yet at least) but it does offer me comfort that I am right smack-dab-in-the-middle of God's refining fires. It's hot and uncomfortable and I just want to run away and hide sometimes. But I know, I know in my heart, that if I let those fires refine me, I will come out of this time of learning/changing/growing stronger and more ready to live for God.

Q4U-  Anyone else faced some intense spiritual/emotional/mental attacks when preparing to do something for God?