There is nothing wrong with mommy blogs. There are a number of really good mommy blogs that I enjoy reading and have gained some much-needed encouragement and wisdom from. Moms have a lot of really great (and entertaining) things to share sometimes. And after just one short month of being a stay-at-home mom, I can totally see how mommy blogs are a sometimes essential bridge to social sanity for the women reading and writing them. It's just that I never wanted this space - my little spot to reflect, share and talk about topics that I find meaningful, fun or interesting - to morph into a mommy blog where I only ever talk about my kids (not that my kids aren't meaningful, fun or interesting to me... awkward silence...).
The thing is though, my life itself has morphed into a world predominately conquered by my kids and it's hard to come up with anything interesting to write about that doesn't revolve around the twins (who, while lovable, adorable five-months-olds, are not all that interesting). On top of that: mommy-brain is a doozy and holding down a thought long enough to wrestle it into a fully-form sentence seems nearly impossible most of the time.
So here my blog sits - unable to assert itself as much at the moment because it's run by a gal trying to grasp her new identity and adjust to being a full-time, stay-at-home wife and mother. Poor blog. Do not loose hope my digital friend, you will rise again. Someday, ponderous tidbits and amusing stories will once again flow across your htlm-coded pages. Cling to that little blog. Cling to it like boogers on a baby's nose (dang it - mommy blogging).
So yeah. The adjustment to my new career as a nanny/laundress/cook/maid/mom/wife or what is now considered the p.c. term - "a home manager" - is slow going. Some days I absolutely love it. Some days I just want to pawn my wee babes off on anyone who is willing to take them for a few hours (days??) so I can go on a mental vacation and spend some quiet, quality time just me and Joe (as in, Mr. Cup O'). But every day, no matter what the joys, stresses or boredoms, I am truly grateful to be home and able to pour more energy into my husband and kids. It's a blessing. And while I'm struggling with wondering if the daily tasks of a stay-at-home mama is "enough" in light of so many needs and troubles in this world (which press so heavily on my heart), I am praying that God will show me how I can best serve Him and others without neglecting the new responsibilities He has place lovingly in my arms.
This time last year I was on my way to Uganda, Africa to love and serve some beautiful, precious people. A big chunk of my heart still pulls me towards them - to their needs and to their inspiring hope and faith in God. I don't want to forget them as I care for my own. While tending to my two small babies, I don't want to forget the mother somewhere who is struggling to feed and provide for her little ones. While loving my hard-working husband, I don't want to forget about the family whose husband/father is without a job, or worse, whose husband/father has abandoned them or been taken by disease or hunger. I do not want to get so caught up in loving my own that I neglect loving others. Caring for my family is a wonderful gift and calling, but it is causing tension as I navigate this new season. My mom/wife heart and my justice/mercy heart are trying to figure out how to live under the same roof.
At the core of all this is the fact that I don't want my sons growing up thinking the world is only about them. I want them to truly love others more than themselves and deeply care about the poor around the world. And I have to teach them this by my own actions. Tension exists here because how do I deeply love others while also having enough left in me to deeply love this little family God has blessed me with? I don't know yet. My "doing" in regards to the mercy/justice side of things might be in a resting season for a little while during this tender time of caring for my little ones and if that is the case, I have to learn to be okay with that.
Still... if I start writing less and less about orphans and the poor and more and more about boogers and diapers, somebody please hack into my account and put this blog out of its misery. Thank you.