Here's something I was surprised (and frightened) by during the first three weeks: I didn't like being a mom. In fact, I flat-out hated it at times. Which was completely unexpected. Being a mom was something I had looked forward to for most of my life and I thought it would come naturally. I knew it would be hard, but I still expected to instantly fall madly in love with my sons. Maybe that's how new mommyhood works for some women, but I certainly wasn't one of them and I was totally taken aback by this. My lack of lovely-dovey feelings for my sons left me emotionally impaled with guilt and disappointment. Which made the constant exhaustion, feedings, diaper changes, crying and feelings of being completely in-over-my-head so much more difficult to deal with. Being a mom was harder than anyone could have prepared me for and I felt so guilty for how much I wanted my pre-baby life back.
Had Devin not been there to cheer me on and help me as much as his non-lactating self could, I don't think we would have made it. My deepest admiration for single moms - I do not know how you do it. Wow.
Thankfully, the life of a new mom-of-mutiples slowly started getting more manageable. Not "easier" per say, but bearable with more moments of joy in-between the really frustrating times. I think the thing that helped the most was changing my expectations to match my new reality. When I expected that the twins would need to eat every two hours, 24/7, it was a lot easier to handle it emotionally and physically. Also helpful - getting dressed in the morning. Sure, sweatpants are way more comfortable when you're stuck in a little apartment caring for two newborns, but never underestimate the power of a pair of jeans and a clean(ish) shirt to make you feel slightly human again. Actually, "being stuck in a tiny apartment" reminds me of something else that was hugely helpful for coming out of the new-mommy-blues. Devin started making it a priority to get me out of the apartment as often as we could. Even if it was just strolling the twins to the local park or Starbucks, or heck - even a trip to the grocery store. These quick little, in-between-feedings outings lifted my spirits considerably.
Then something else changed around five weeks that actually did make parenting easier. My sons started to smile. Not gassy smiles or milk-comma grins, but real, actual, looking-me-in-the-eye smiles. Suddenly these little goblins who had been sucking the life out of me turned into adorable little people with personalities of their own. What's more, they liked me and would grin when they saw me or when I talked to them. Melt my heart. Finally, I started falling in love with my sons. Turns out loving your kids makes parenthood more enjoyable (even easier... at times). Praise the Lord for those sweet, life-saving smiles!
P.S. if you are one of those dear friends or family members who came over to help or brought us a meal - God bless you!! I don't know how Devin and I would have slept, eaten or showered during those first four weeks without all of you. You saved all four of us!
First- you look amazing for just having a baby, make that two babies. second- I also had a time when I didn't like being a mom, I had them after each child was born. actually, i have days like that still... but you're right, getting out helps. as does making yourself look presentable. I'm glad you're getting through and things are getting easier. Your boys are adorable!
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so honest. Many mom's (twin moms or singletons) never have the courage to say how they are feeling about becoming a parent. It gets easier to love those little faces and enjoy being their mother. I don't have twins but I did have 3 babies in 3 years and I had the hardest time with my 2nd baby. Many times I feared that my children would be taken away from me if I spoke about how I was really feeling after he was born.
ReplyDeleteYou are a brave woman and if and when more mom's voice their feelings there will be more help out there for ones that really need it!
Thank you and your boys are gorgeous!
I feel like I could have written this post after my girls were born, the feelings sound so similar. I remember reading sometime in their first year of life that humans are hard wired to bond with only one baby at a time, so having multiples means the bonding usually takes longer to happen. I was able to let go of a lot of my guilt over those first weeks/months when I learned that. And I also reminded myself that even though I hadn't been feeling all daisies & unicorns about it, I still cared for & met my babies needs and one day (right around the time they started smiling) the daisies & unicorns arrived. Keep up the great work & don't forget to continue to accept help anytime you need it. It's such a blessing to have a good support network.
ReplyDeleteI am not a mom of multiples, but my son is the work for two. He was a NICU baby, and that first week home after he was out of the NICU was extremely hard. I feel for you, I know what it feels like to not like being a mom at first, but later on it does get better and better.
ReplyDeleteAnd you end up enjoying it. Good Luck!
Amazing how those smiles can come at just the right moment.. when you are ready to throw in the towel and just quit altogether :)
ReplyDeleteMom of 1, 2 or 10, we ALL have those times where being a mom just plain SUCKS... it definitely is a hard job, and to be honest, some days aren't even always rewarding... but it's so absolutely worth it. God has entrusted each of us with these sweet spirits to raise, and love and care for... and despite the struggles that will never stop coming, he gives us the strength to be the best moms that we can be... and our own personal best, albeit not enough to make us perfect, is just that... ENOUGH! :)